The midweek hump day, one of the most exhausting days of the fucking week. This one is no different other than it has not been caused by the kids lol.
Last night was a rough one filled with tears and sleepless hours for me. Nothing bad happened, actually quite the opposite.
I was reminded that I would make the one person I loved more than anyone, who was in my life proud and that was just so overwhelming I couldn’t hold it. As I want nothing more than to do right by Laneea and the LGBTQ+ community.
As most know I am forming an anthology in memorium and do not want to offend or hurt a single soul while accomplishing this goal.
“Although things have come a long way over the years she will never get to see it but it doesn’t mean her memory cannot be a part of it.” This was my response to the post. This project is not about me, it is about Laneea Anderson who passed March 26, 2011, 9 years ago and came out in the 1990’s. I want her memory to be known and loved in a community I most certainly need to learn more about and support better to do so.
I was flooded with so many memories and one that still bothers me the most, the day I found her passed away. I have been wanting to get a headstone for the unmarked grave, but have not been able to afford one yet and so this is more my way of marking that space, while bringing light to stories of other beautiful souls like her.
So this What The Fuck Wednesday, I am off to work, still wiping the tears from the inside and trying to hold the emotions at bay. Eyes swollen, red and crusted from tears, exhausted to hell and back but still needing to pay my bills and support my kids.
I wanted to update this a little as it was brought to my attention today that I may have unintentionally offended people of the wonderful LGBTQ+ community in the way I have wrote this piece. Let me assure everyone I have never nor would I ever do so knowingly. The community has been and continues to be a huge part of my life even now. So I am taking this moment to explain.
With my father even though there was a transition and we were to introduce her by the female name Laneea the fact she was my father never changed and she was okay with that. My post was never to cause misgendering and/or dead naming. I have been trying to find a way for 9 years to honor the memory of the most amazing person I ever had in my life and have her memory embraced by the community in a beautiful way.
I am always respectable and open to any and all questions or concerns, as well as advice to ensure I never offend or cause any sort of harm.
I hope to create an amazing and wonderful project that can be shared and enjoyed by all. I hope you will consider being a part of this.
I am also currently reaching out to my local non profit LGBTQ+ community to be able to donate the proceeds.
I have tossed and turned over this for some time. It was a hard decision to make but in the end posting this is in the best interest of my heart. I feel very strongly about this project. My father was my rock in life.
I’ve had this really crazy thought running through my head for some time and now I am going to throw it out there to see if anyone might be interested…for those who know me they know my father was a transgender who came out in the 1990’s one of the hardest times to do so…those who know me also know he passed 9 years ago and for his 10th year of passing which is March 26, 2021, I want to honour him with an anthology “Coming Out” true stories of journey’s bringing sexuality to light. The focus will be on your stories of how you experienced coming out to those you loved, the ones closest to you and how they reacted.
This can be prose, poetry, short stories, however you wish to interpret your experience. I only asked it be a maximum of 2500 words.
I would need about 20 to 30 participants. If and when I have enough interest all guidelines will be laid out and sent to each individual before anything is required for submission.
Below is from my memoir, the story of my father’s transition release from my perspective and memories.
Transition Release It would really all start one morning after the newspaper was released. The town of Sparwood woke for their morning coffees, before waking their kids on that school day and heading to work. That day when they unfolded their paper copies of the news at their tables it would read (photo of paper below) As you can imagine in a small town, in the nineteen ninety-five, this did not bode well. Closed-minded people would never understand decisions like this even when they are made out of necessity to survive. Up to this point my father had kept his transition on the more private side, only close friends and family knew along with my mother and his children. Well, that changed fast, within a matter of hours. Small towns talk and everybody knows everybody. The entire town knew by about nine, I guess. This would not only change my parents lives but the lives of my life as well. In the matter of a day we went from being normal kids to being a plague. We lost everything, our childhood, our friends, and our privacy. The days of fun outside, hanging with people and just being a child were over. It would be replaced with daily beatings, ridicule, loneliness, hatred, and torment for the coming years. I will share my most vivid memories, feelings, and losses from this day, as I can only imagine what my siblings went through as well but this is my story. My parents woke me for school as they did any other day, unaware of what was about to happen in the households of the town. Where we lived really was not “in town” but really on the out skirts, this meant early mornings to catch the bus. We walked through the trailer court, up the hill to a small building where the miners met to head out. This is where we caught the school bus, in the winter months they would allow us to stand inside so we didn’t freeze. So, we arrived there like any other morning over the last couple years. The difference? Well, getting on that bus was different. There were probably twenty pairs of piercing eyes glued onto us. Just staring, no words spoken other than the whispers amongst themselves. Entering the bus, making my way down the aisle mutterings of “this seat’s taken, you can’t sit here, I don’t want you here,” began. It was like that scene of the Forrest Gump movie. Nobody that was originally befriended wanted anything to do with me. But why? It was just a school day like any other wasn’t it? Nothing had changed in my eyes. I was still the same person. I just did not know. Arriving at school that day would only cause the whispers to be louder. Increasing from twenty sets of eyes to over three hundred. Going from a few words to a dense cloud of whispers in the background. Walking in the school halls, I still did not understand. As confusion, fright, and wonder filled my mind that day, I would eventually know. Hours of whispers would turn into random blurts of: “he/she”, “disease” and “freak”. And this was only the beginning. Not knowing what else to do, I hid. I took myself to a corner and sat there. Alone, scared, hurt, confused, and lost. I would sit there the entire day, tears streaming down my cheeks trying to just fade into the background, praying nobody would notice me and I could just disappear. I was finally able to go home after what seemed like a day that took forever to end. This would bring the answers to the day’s events. This would explain why words were spoken, why people were distant, and why I would feel so alone the next few years. Arriving home my parents would sit us down. My mother sitting quietly in her chair and my father holding a copy of the day’s paper in hand. There was a combination of fury, hurt, and exhaustion in the house that day. As my father began to explain the article you could tell in his voice and facial features that he never meant for us to get hurt. He read it and, although I truly could not comprehend its meaning, he explained that things were not going to be easy for us now. That people were going to be afraid of what they did not know. That the fear of the unknown can cause harmful actions. Those who did not stand by us were not worth having around anyway. As a child those were terms I could understand. They made sense to me. Even to this day they make sense and I try to live by them always. But the next days, months and years in the town would bring an increasing amount of turmoil. Every day at school was hell. I would hide in any corner, room or hallway I could find just to avoid the beatings. I purposely missed my bus on the regular just so I would not have to deal with the abuse. Even hiding was not enough unfortunately, it seemed no matter what, I was found. Classmates would walk by and kick me, hit me or push me. It really gave a literal meaning to kick you while you’re down. Day in and day out it was constantly the same things from those who really just did not understand. With the beatings came the daily abuse as well, I think it was almost worse than the physical as it stayed much longer, wounded much deeper and has never been let go. I would spend my days over the next few years drowning myself into my studies and trying to just make it one day at a time in the hell that had been created. I would be honour roll, join choir and be at the highest in my classes, it was good but lonely. Over the years here, with each day passing, people began to subside a minimal amount on the attacks, although none would ever be friends, I had survived. At least physically anyway. Emotionally, I think I had died, at least a little. When our time in this town was coming to a close, it was heartbreaking, not because we were leaving all the shitty people behind but when were leaving my father was not leaving with us.
If anyone has interest in being a part of this anthology please get in touch via my website, Instagram, Facebook or Twitter by DM. I would very much love to have you be a part of it.
Interview with Jessica Nielsen, author of So You’re Not Supermom. 🦄🦄🦄 About the Series:
So You’re Not Supermom is a series on her take on motherhood and the challenges she faces raising them while trying to keep her sanity at bay. I love reading thiese books because it’s a no hold back account on what it’s like to be the mother of seven children while holding down two jobs and it’s absolutely positively hilarious.
1. Tell me (and the readers) a little bit about yourself, including a quirk that you have.
A. I am an ordinary, hard working Canadian born and raised in the British Columbia Kootenay’s. Two of my children require extra needs and I do the best I can like any other parent. I am an avid traveler when I get the chance I love history, ghost and alien shows. I will tell it like it…
I am a proud person of everything I do even if I somehow fucking fail at it. Today I am going to share a poem I put in a local project called Missing Mondays through Loft 112. It has now been placed in a window at our east village area!
I love this poem, it is a great reminder that we always have a choice and going forward is the best option.
Or at least that’s how I interpret it.
I’ve come upon a crossroad I’ve stopped and stood so still
One way looks dark and treacherous And full of the unknown
The other is full of light But I know where it will go
Which one do I walk upon Which one is right for me
I cannot walk back along The path that sits behind me
I do not know which way to go I’m lost here can’t you see
The longer I stand still here The harder it’s going to be
I’ve come upon a crossroad I’ve stopped and stood so still
I lost a lot of who I am From the things I have endured
As I place one foot on each path The earth it speaks to me
It’s time to walk along the one That vibrates deep within me
I’ve come upon a crossroad I’ve stopped and stood so still
It’s time to place my foot prints Into the unknown
Thank you if you’ve made it this far down, I am about to shamlessly throw at you a couple of things.
1. Both So You’re Not Supermom….It’s Ok! Books are only .99 cents please buy the shit. 🥰
2. Shop some really cool mugs with Words of Wisdom on them. They are fucking fabulous you know you want to own them 😂
Happy Shameless Self Promo All…remember everything you write is worth it someone, you just have to find your audience.
A very massive foul mouthed shout out to the most fucking amazing blogging supporter this bitch has. Ms Catarina at Beauty Of Cafe 205. Girl you fucking rock and I truly thank you for thinking of my random shit! You have been such a great follower to have in my life and please do not ever change! You are such a fucking joy with your comments.
The Sunshine Blogger Award is given to bloggers who inspire Positiveness and Creativity in the blogging community.
The Rules Are:
1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
2. List the rules.
3. Display the Sunshine Blogger Award Logo in your blog post.
4. Answer all 11 Questions asked of you by the blogger.
5. Nominate up to 11 New Bloggers to receive the Award and notify them.
6. Create 11 New Questions for your nominees.
Beauty of Cafe 205 Questions For Me
What was the one thing you disliked about quarantine? Has got to be wearing a mask at work all day every day especially since I fucking love my coffee and do not chew gum. This leave a very nasty coffee breath and nobody wants to smell that shit.
Taking trips after quarantine? Fuck I hope so, this mama needs a vacation after trying to home school seven kids, which I completely failed at. Can’t win them all.
Areyou quitting your job? Shit I wish I could afford to.
Are you still going to do what you had planned before all this? Well, I really did not have anything planned except camping and that is opening back up, sort of, nature is my home, someone fucking take me home please!
Plain dark coffee or cappuccino? Does a cappuccino have sugar? Can’t handle sweet ass coffee if it does.
What did you like about being at home with your loved ones? Being able to nap, nothing like a good midday sleep to perk my ass up.
What was the funniest movie you watched on Netflix? I do think I even turned that crap on in months.
Why did you start blogging? So I can rant shit that pisses me off as a working parent with the hope other parents can feel not so alone in the struggles.
When did you start blogging? Some time around 2 months ago, I think, maybe, fuck pregnancy brain never goes away.
Favorite quarantine dish you made? Every dish that came from an app on my phone and randomly showed up in front of my door, I probably took too many days off not cooking a damn thing.
I survived, fuck it has been a week for sure! See what I did there? lol Another week coming to a close with a couple days off after today. Another Friday to say fuck it to all the things I still did not accomplish and just revel in the fact that I made it.
I even get to say fuck it to working all day today as I have an appointment that is allowing me to leave at noon. I am excited for that shit . Can you tell?
My daughter is up at six am, apparently has not slept all night playing on her electronics and my fuck it mode said if you are awake to bug me the least you can do is make me a coffee. She gladly did and it is a pretty fucking tasty coffee. She literally just asked for chocolate cookies, fuck it! go ahead, you made me coffee.
As I am going to be off early today, there will be a fuck it I am taking a nap too! I miss my naps, that was always the best part of being off work.
Oh yes Fuck It Friday is the day you can say fuck it to the shit you have put on hold and just relax! If you need help to make a fuck it list just do it like this.
dishes=fuck it, laundry=fuck it, cleaning=fuck it, cooking=fuck it. Yes take everything on that list and add fuck it beside it. Done, you may even thank me for it, the fuck it attitude is a lot less stressful and we all need less stress in life right now.
Ahhh yes, the mid week hump has arrived and bestowed itself upon the world again. I am pretty sure this what the fuck Wednesday started on Monday this week. It has already been such a long fucking week with uphill battles from the start.
Emotions and attitude have been running high as fuck around every aspect of me and it is down right exhausting! Not just my kids, but with work, people at their work, everything! It must be something in the fucking planetary alignments screwing with shit!
I was so run down from the last two days I slept all night! Literally, I did not even get up to pee like I normally do, I heard nothing from the youngest all night, hopefully he slept and did not get into shit. I didn’t hear the dogs bark when the oldest returned last night from his friends house either. You can always tell when a parent has drained themselves to nothing as they actually sleep undisturbed.
I am now up slightly early, still feeling tired as fuck for work. Sitting in the silence of the house just dreading today after the last two days of bullshit from the world around me. I can only hope that the hump of this week allows shit to start settling down. You know like a roller coaster, it ramps up to the top and then just slides to bottom and levels the fuck out where you can finally breath. Yeah that is what I need.
I need to fucking breath, I need this ride to just chill the fuck out. So far the only good thing that has happened is my lovely shirt and beautiful note that arrived! Ellie you totally made my week, cannot wait to wear the shit out that shirt!
Happy What The Fuck Wednesday all, may your ride be ending if it has been a week!
Sometimes I dabble in shit other than just my usual rants, like poetry. Today I’m going to share a piece I wrote after a very long frustrating day with my second youngest son.
See before he was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, expressive and receptive delays along with educational delays it was a daily fucking horror. The tantrums, the screaming, the fighting, the yelling, oh man the list goes on. Now with his current medication and a lot of supports he is not such a handful, most times anyway.
I wrote this before his diagnosis and supports, it is just a small taste of the struggles I have had with him and how I feel why he did it at the time.
Inside Of Me
I have things I want to say I just don’t know the right way
So I decide to kick and scream Throwing things into a stream
I have things that I want told I just don’t know how to be bold
So I decide to punch and bite Causing people such a fright
I have things that I want heard I just don’t know the right words
So I decide to fall right down Not caring who may be around
You see there’s trouble brewing inside Hidden away in my brain’s vibes
I just want to ask for drink or food I promise that’s it and I’ll be good
I just want to play with others too I promise that’s it and it’s true
I just want to fit right in I promise that’s it and you’ll win
I just want to be like you I promise then I’ll say I love you
Hope you enjoyed the read if you made it this far. Feel free to shalessly promote with a comment.
Today’s What the Fuck Wednesday must be some kind of calm before the storm. I had a great sleep. I am only up about an hour before my alarm and the the house is quiet. I mean dead fucking quiet.
This has got to be due to having no kids! That’s right absolutely no fucking kids. Alllll week.
How did I get so fucking lucky? Well sometimes being a blended family is nice, I can split them up into directions and with different people and my house falls eerily fucking silent. Let’s be honest nobody in their right mind wants seven kids at once if they didn’t make them.
It does not happen often and I actually have a horrible time dealing with it as i am not used to it.
But I do attempt to enjoy it as well. I do not have to cook, clean, yell, chase or fight any kids and have done nothing the last three days. For real I have accomplished fuck all on all levels, it is fantastic, as well as odd.
While my morning is calm, my night was rested there is still a day of work and tonight for something to happen. I am not being a downer just a realist.
Just to make my What the Fuck Wednesday even better I am going throw in the fact I now have official So You’re Not Supermom….It’s Ok! coffee mugs up for grabs. Get in touch if interested. They are $20 CAD each plus shipping which determining shipping is on my list of shit to do this week.
Happy What the Fuck Wednesday all. Have a fanfuckintastic one!