Finally it has arrived, the day of the week I share something that I have created and shamelessly throw the shit in the faces of others. It is my favorite day by far.
This week I am going to share a chapter from my memoir I recently released. The most in depth stories of my life. The deepest, darkest secrets never told, revealed.
Please keep in mind these are my stories, my points of view and my feelings. Not everyone will agree and that’s ok.
Disclaimer Some names and identifying details of people described in this book have been altered to protect their privacy.
My memoir is not for everyone, it can trigger traumatic personal events of others lives, so please caution yourself should you choose to read it.
“I had just come back from downtown, where I was taking a mandatory course for parenting after separation. As I walked in the door, Drake was sitting there staring at me, the look one gets from their parents when they get home past the curfew.
He was sitting with our girl in his arms, she was only a couple of weeks old, and so tiny. The minute I got in the house, I could smell the Disaronno emanating from him, while the bottle sat on top next to the chair.
Not wanting to initiate anything that could put my daughter in harm’s way, I said nothing. I walked up, gave him a kiss, and asked if I could now hold her.
Reluctantly, he passed her to me without a fuss and picked up his bottle of liquor, guzzling down a few more gulps that he really did not need. After having sat and fed the baby, I head to bed with her. She always slept with me, all my kids did for the first six months or so.
He would stay downstairs and continue to consume his drinks.
I lay down next to my baby, and it would not be long until I fell asleep. I don’t know what time it was, but the way I was woken would not be expected.
My eyes sprung open; my body jolted to the end of the bed. He grabbed hold of my feet and yanked me nearly right out of bed, stopping just before my ass fell to the ground. He laughed and threw himself on the mattress; I instantly grabbed for the end of the baby blanket that my daughter was wrapped in.
Reflexes work wonders when it comes to my child being in harm’s way.
His body slammed into the mattress, just as I was scooping the baby up off it.
This would set him off even more. He jumped up and cornered us in the room, blocking the doorway exit.
As I held our daughter, my only thought was how to get out of there safely with her.
He stood there, telling me I was nothing but a road map of stretch marks on fat, and that my clitoral area would be considered a penis so I should go have a sex change like my father did, I asked him to just step aside, and let us leave.
He ranted and raved about how shitty of a person I was, how my children knew I was a whore, and that I was never going to be anything else. I stood there, I took it all, every word he had to say drilled into me that night. When he was done, he headed outside for a smoke.
I left, and I left everything. I did not grab anything the baby needed. I did not take anything I needed. I grabbed my car keys, and we left my house. It was my house—I paid the bills—and I was being run out by him.
I went to a friend’s house that night. I did not have many places to go, but I surely was not going back to where he was and I did not have the financial means for a hotel.
When I returned the next day he was still asleep upstairs in my bed. I had no sympathy for him, so I vacuumed, did the dishes, laundry, toy clean up, and I banged every cupboard in my house to ensure that the bastard suffered with his hangover.
Yet, I still took his apologies, his promises, and his sober words that he would never do anything like that again.
Sober words are just the lies of what one truly feels. Sobriety simply hides the actions that are always there. When one drinks, there is less control. Intoxication is not an impulsive behaviour. Intoxication is how we free ourselves from the chains of rational thought. Not all of us are truly rational.”
If you would like to read my full memoir it is available on kindle for $9.99 and free on kindle unlimited.
Happy Shameless Self Promo Saturday!